A Letter To My Partner’s Ex

Vintage blurry sunny golden love and heart handwriting sign on sea sand with wave. Gold color filter effect used.

To my partner’s ex,

I am writing this letter to you, from my heart to yours with compassion, so I hope that in your awareness you open yourself up to what I am about to share with you.

I am reaching out to you as a and someone who has lived and breathed separation, personally and professionally, but more importantly from an understanding of the pain you must still be suffering from to live a life filled with contempt for another human being.

I hope you will see this letter as one of genuine concern, as my intention is not to hurt you, but I am sure some of the things I share with you in this letter will definitely upset you. If this letter does push your buttons, then there is truth to it and you will have to decide how you choose to respond. I am not saying any of this to be unkind; I am saying it from a place of love in sharing this with you. I just hope that if you truly practice any level of awareness or have any level of consciousness you will open yourself up to the possibility of truth and grow from it.

I have witnessed the relationship between you and your ex and how you have both attempted to co- parent the kids. I’ve never stepped in and have always been supportive of the situation, but at times this has been extremely difficult to do, especially when you bare witness to such hate and venom that pours out of the mouths of two people that once loved each other and shared a life together and giving birth to so much joy. I find it hard to believe that after all these years the both of you still feel such angst for each other, and that you have not made peace with the hurt of separation. Sometimes I honestly feel that you both are still very much married to each other and the behaviors you played out are still relevant for the both of you today, because you are too scared to let go. You both are still connected through karma, because you still haven’t learnt what you need to from your separation in order to move on, otherwise you would have.

I’m not sure if you even realize, that every-time you argue, it has an overwhelming negative impact on everyone else around you.

I find it ironic that for all the reasons you get frustrated with your ex – he feels exactly the same. If you could both learn to listen to what the other is trying to say, rather than taking it as a personal attack, maybe communicating wouldn’t be so difficult and you would both realize that you want the same things. You both want to be heard as their parent, but more importantly, validated. You are both willful, strong headed and stubborn, and the need to control outcomes regarding the children is childish in itself.

It is not about either one of you being right; it is about finding a happy medium where all parties can get along, especially for the kids.

Let me ask you – What would you do and how would you feel if you were the one who had to pay such high amounts of child support to him?   Even when he knew that you couldn’t really afford it.

It is so different when the shoe doesn’t fit and you are made to wear it.

It is painful beyond comprehension and I’m sure you would be hurt, that your only value in this life is what you are worth monetarily to your Ex.

You have the father of your kids who would do anything for them and wants to be in their life, but sadly you are the one who does everything to prevent this happening.   Maybe you feel that if you continue to make life hard, he will just forget about his kids and disappear. Obviously if he is not in their life at all, you would be entitled to more money. I’m sorry if this suggestion has hurt you, but from an outsider looking in and having had access to most of your conversations, some of the things you have said to him, have been cruel beyond belief, I still find it difficult to understand how it is okay to treat the father of your children like that.

I would totally understand the need to protect your kids, if he was violent, abusive, even an addict, but he is an amazing man who is dedicated to providing for his children and it is shameful that you are allowed to get away with emotional murder. I know that is harsh, but in reality it is true, you see he has died emotionally as a man, because you have robbed him of that and any integrity he had has been tested, so forgive me if I don’t agree with how you treat him.

I am not saying he is a saint in this situation, I have heard his responses to you, which at times have been far less than pleasant. But it is hard to hold it together and remain calm when you are been verbally attacked by another human being.

You make it hard to come from a place of love and hold a space of peace, when you clearly do not wish him any level of happiness or success, but that is irony in itself, because without his success you would not receive anything and the kids would go without.

This constant form of attack only leaves him destroyed as their father and any self worth he had, has gone. Haven’t you both suffered enough?

I really need to ask you, is he that bad of a father?

Was he such a terrible husband that he deserved to be treated this way?

Because I see a man who is kind, considerate and loving and a father who would do anything for his kids, but you seem to feel that he has no entitlement to have them, or make any important decisions regarding their welfare.

You are the one who makes the arrangements and plans, when he is allowed to see them. In-fact you always seem to make plans for the kids on his time with no regard to what he may have organized, and you know he won’t say no to you or the kids, because the consequence of him putting a boundary in place would mean that you derive joy out of telling the kids how uncaring their father is.

You are not more worthy than he is; you are both equally responsible in this journey.

I hope one day the suffering will end and somehow you both can forgive and find peace with each other.  In classic Tibetan teachings it is said that we do not really become a full human until we open our heart to embrace others, and until then we are selfish, concerned only with ourselves, and our need to survive above anyone else. But when we move away from the ego, we come into a place of awareness and we begin to care, this becomes a state of loving kindness and compassion.

The hardest part is to practice loving kindness and compassion in the face of these personal challenges we share. I truly would like the pain and suffering to stop for both you and him, but mainly for the children.

I know for now it is what it needs to be to sustain both your ego’s, but surely it would be so much nicer to share the joy of your children, rather than using them to control an outcome simply to justify what you are really feeling inside, but more importantly too scared to see!

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