Where have all the good men gone!

A close-up of a japanese zen garden with a heart shaped stoneUnderstanding the mere male, as some would say, is an understatement.  Men are one part of the bigger picture, the family constellation.  So what does it mean to be a man in the 21st century?  When all the rules seem to change. Where we have evolved both personally and professionally, and we want so much more for ourselves and our families that we are too often lost in systems that don’t support our basic human need to connect.

What has happened to men? Where have they gone? And can we simplify our lives to create the balance we so desperately need?

Well in answer to those questions, of which I am so often asked by my clients is this. Men have not disappeared and all the good men have not left, they are simply a bi-product of society and unfortunately for some, dare I say it the women that have shared their lives. Please let me clarify before I get all the women in world up in arms from that statement.

Let me paint a picture for you…..After the bra burning days of the 60?s and the women’s liberation movement, the world became a little imbalanced.  We moved from the constant daily routine of the 50?s where Men were the providers for the family and Women were the nurturers and care givers.  So men would go out and hunt and gather for the day, come home to a clean house, they required a little silent time with their feet up, a hot meal on the table, the children taken care of, the laundry done, and their wife would tend to their intimate needs, give a little moan of satisfaction and pretty much that is all it took to make a guy happy.  I guess the reality of this situation is there was not enough importance or respect placed on the roles we played back then.  Women wanted more….We wanted equality, the right to vote, good paying jobs, we wanted to be sexually liberated, in fact we wanted all the things we believed men had. Women didn’t want to feel caged up in the home. It was no longer enough to look after the house.  So we sought out other ways to express our wants and needs, and in doing so tipped the scales and the balance of life.

In this process, men became confused with the role they played.  Demands were placed on them to be more sensitive, tap into their feminine side, spend more time with the family, become emotionally available, have an open heart, show more affection, be more romantic, communicate more and still hunt and gather for the family, which meant working longer hours, not enjoying their favourite sport, less television, more chores around the house, no beers after work and in all this still keep their sanity in tack.  No wonder men have forgotten how to live a life of purpose and that their joy and happiness is less important than those that they share their lives with, but to top in off, the one thing that mattered to them and made them feel connected to their partner (yes I am talking about SEX) and above all else feel LOVED, was withheld or used as a bargaining tool.  It is no surprise that men have being hiding in their caves, because if I was a man that is exactly where I would go and wait for the dust to settle.

So let’s get a little balance back….At the end of the day both men and women want to feel love and support from their partners.  It is time we began to understand each other, not just by the roles that we play, but how we truly want to communicate our physical and emotional needs.  Men are needed within the community as the father’s to their children, because that is something a mother cannot give their child solely on her own, a child needs the love of both parents to grow and flourish in an ever changing world.  They need their sport just as women need their shopping, they need to be someone’s mate, share a wave, a beer, talk about what needs to be done to the car, just as women need their girl time with friends. They need to love and be loved in return.

Men are simple creatures by nature and derive their sense of happiness from loving their woman.  Men need to physically love their partner in order to open their hearts so they can connect emotionally.  When we connect with our partner’s intimately, we feel loved, wanted, desirable, and yet when we spend time taking this basic human need away from our partner we automatically create separation where neither partner wants to do anything for the other. And love becomes a bargaining tool to get what you want.

Love is a language that is learnt.  When both men and women learn how to speak the physical and emotional languages of love,  I won’t  hear where have all the good men gone, I will be witness to an experience of love we all deserve.  You will have two people connecting on every level, physically, emotionally and in awareness.  From love comes purpose and meaning to all life, without love, there is expectation and conditions that breed anger.  I would rather encourage my man to follow his heart and live his life passionately, knowing that in this joy I have truly a man I desire, but more importantly a man who loves me.  In that he finds himself and is connected to the world that surrounds him, and he is connected to me.

Mel Cooper – Love Alchemist 2013

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