There are times in life where you simply need to let out a big sigh and remind yourself why you are a partner, lover, friend and parent, and that would be because we enjoy it, RIGHT?
I have felt like I have been pulled from pillar to post and somewhere in-between, and there is nothing sexy about that. It is hard enough when you have your own kids, let alone a blended family.
In a blended family situation you are affected by the decisions that your partner and his or her ex make when it comes to the children. Whether we like it or not, you as the current partner are not really considered in the decision making process. You have to accept all the arrangements, holidays, birthdays, Mothers and Fathers Day, hey you will even have to look after the kids, because that is what you do for the one you love.
So it is perfectly normal to feel disregarded in this situation, and unfortunately we are feeling the disappointment because we haven’t set healthy boundaries from the beginning.
I get that it is hard to set boundaries in an unconscious breakdown of a relationship, but it is essential to creating a foundation for a healthy separation. It also doesn’t mean you don’t find common ground and compromise, because not everyone is going to win.
It is important to encourage mindfulness, but that is difficult to do when your partner is affected by their exes decisions and the lack of consideration for anyone outside of them and the children.
In any separation particularly when their are children involved, you will feel the pain associated with that and it is normal for the person that left the relationship to find it hard to establish boundaries because you are fearful that your ex will use that against you, when it comes to spending time with your children, so you end up being over accomodating and allowing your ex to control every aspect of your time with your kids, giving them the power over you, therefore rendering yourself worthless.
I am deeply passionate about what is fair and just and as a therapist I bare witness to some awful separations that leave me with a heavy heart and frustrated because I feel helpless. I am beyond passionate about Conscious Uncoupling/Separating couples who cannot reconnect and see no other options but to divorce, particularly when there are children involved.
Maybe, because I have lived it myself, both as a child and as a parent. I understand that every situation has differences, so let me help you understand.
There is no reason at all to withhold a child/children from the other parent, unless the situation is deemed unsafe for them.
I suspect that I will push a few buttons, but I am prepared to do so for all those who suffer in this situation. For every Father, Mother and child who feel lost and disconnected and feel that the only way out is to end their life and those of their kids.
Unless your child/children are in physical danger, exposed to alcohol, drug and sex abuse, emotional and verbal abuse, then there is no reason to withhold them from the other parent.
Children need both parents to grow and evolve because you both offer different variables to patently and love that the other parent cannot solely fulfilled.
No one wins in this situation…
To all the parents out there that withhold their kids from seeing the other parent equally, who manipulate the children, teach them to disrespect the other parent, who devalue the other parent in front of the kids, teach them to lie, complain about not having enough money, but will go out and spend the money you do receive on yourself and not the kids, I feel for you.
You are no better than those who emotionally and verbally abuse others and you are teaching your children that it is okay to disrespect, lie and manipulate others to get what they want in life.
Don’t you think it is time to pull your head out of your arse and take responsibility for your actions.
You have a conscious responsibility when you have a child.
Let me ask you, would you feel responsible if you lost your child/children to the other parent through suicide?
Would you take responsibility for your co-creation should this happen?
Would you like it to happen to you, that you would be driven and feel so hopeless that you had no other way out?
No one deserves that. We have become so full of self importance that we believe the other parent doesn’t matter, isn’t important. It is time to wake up and take a long hard look at ourselves and how we are acting as parents, regardless of whether we are together or not. Step up and show your children how to love through the action of love.
I know separation is hard, but it doesn’t have to be personal vendettas against the other parent because they hurt you. It is important to find joy in the separation.
One of the most challenging aspects of life, is one of separation. Separation in the family constellation can be a devastating and debilitating experience for all concerned, but it doesn’t have to be, it all comes down to choice. How you choose to react is very important, and most people go through a separation feeling grief, abandonment, guilt and rejection which all fuel anger and that determines our response to the one we are separated from.
So, let’s look at a relationship breakdown. Most breakdowns occur because one partner feels that their needs are not been met, so they seek this out in other areas of their life and that could be through affairs, gambling, drinking, drugs etc, creating separation in the relationship. The interesting part of this is, the emotions each partner has been feeling started before all of this began manifesting into reality, but was never communicated. So resentment, guilt, anger and fear start to fuel, which opens the door for separation wider until it’s too late and the relationship has ended. Sometimes, the relationship ends, because you or your partner are not in-love and the desire to connect with someone else begins to create separation, again feeling emotions that play a large part in our reactions to the situation.
What makes these experiences more devastating is when children are involved in the breakdown and the parents feel because they have lost control of the relationship they can manipulate responses through the children. As much as we would like the father or mother of the our child/children to be someone different when going through a separation, it isn’t going to change and regardless of what your ex may or may not have done to you, you have to accept who they are and who they represent to the child/children. When you stop trying to control how another should behave, feel or think, then you naturally respond to the separation instead of reacting to it.
When you stop trying to make your ex suffer, then you will stop the suffering within yourself.
Maybe try to place yourself in your exes shoes and ask yourself if I was approached in the same way I am about to deal with this situation, how would I respond? If you feel you are going to become defensive, change your delivery. We complain that our ex does not listen, or understand how we feel, but you must first listen to yourself and understand what you are truly feeling before anyone else can.
Stop being a victim to your own emotions, and you will stop trying to take advantage of the situation.
Communicating how you feel is key to coming face to face with the places that scare you in any relationship breakdown and if you feel that this is not something you can affectively do on your own, then I encourage to seek professional support to help mediate the separation back to a harmonious balance.
Look at the lessons you need to learn and the part you have been playing in creating the separation in the first place because it is there that you will find the gift.
Remember, that your kids grow up fast and then they will determine the truth for themselves. Is it really worth losing the love and respect of a child, because you withheld them from the other parent?
I think not…