An Intimate Journey Within

I was excited to reach another milestone in my life, turning 40.  Considering I believed I wouldn’t live past 30, I was chuffed to make this far.  I was overcome with a feeling that life was going to change and with a lifetime of lessons gently boxed away in the attic of my mind, I could only hope that my hearts desires were going to manifest into a tangible reality.

Yet the path that unravelled would lead me down another road less travelled.  We’ve all had moments where the road diverged and both roads ahead were equally fascinating and equally cool.  But you choose one of the other and your life happens either way.

The unconscious choice I made to remove myself from my ethereal bubble of bliss into my own physical rodeo, where it wasn’t about staying on the horse, it was about trusting that life is going to happen either way and resisting change would only create more suffering and pain.

Time passed, and I had no idea that my journey into menopause had begun.  It would be years of physical changes and health challenges, before I learnt the truth…

I WAS TRANSITIONING INTO THE CRONE.

Somehow, I missed the memo about the first two stages of life, Maiden and Mother.  Each stage of life can be profound if you have the awareness to understand, honour and accept the changes you will go through.  But I spent the first two trying to figure out life and a place to belong.  I was searching for myself and trying to find the answers to this thing called life, so, it makes sense why the journey into menopause can be one of the most life altering experiences a woman can go through.

I disconnected from my sensual self.  I had no connection to the woman I was becoming, and I longed for woman I thought I had been.  I couldn’t accept that they were both the same person.  I struggled to acknowledge they were a part of me all along. 

I had a perpetual resistance to change, till finally it was all too much to carry, and something had to give and that was me.

So, here is the breakdown…

Your body changes and goes through a metamorphous, where excess body weight is an uninvited guest who hoards and won’t leave.  Your hair changes, your nails become brittle and if your lucky glasses are your new clothing accessory.

Any remnants of the sexy, sensual woman you were have long disappeared and the only guarantee you have, is that you will never be the same again.  Thank God, because you emerge from the ashes of your life that once was and rise into far more beautiful version of yourself, sacred, connected and divine.

It was time to unshackle the chains that bound me. 

When you’ve spent years, (48 to be exact), rejecting yourself it makes perfect sense that I was freeing myself from the constraints that I had placed on who I was and how I thought I had to live my life in order to be accepted, loved and seen.

You liberate yourself and you begin to acknowledge your worth.  You don’t give a fuck what people think anymore.

I can intellectualise that I am smart, creative, funny, loving, empathic and compassionate, but the truth is, I’ve never really seen myself.  I have never looked in the mirror, never recognised myself externally.  I could easily connect to the love and acceptance I had for others, but creating a new habit of truly seeing me, all of me, yes standing in the mirror butt naked all of me, is really fucking hard and yet I cannot turn away from myself.  This new habit of embracing every aspect of maiden, mother and crone is my rite of passage, one I no longer can ignore.

When you have been shunned your whole life and told that you were not pretty enough, not thin enough, ridiculed, bullied and made to feel that your existence on earth was a mistake, you begin to believe it.  So, you do anything not to see the mistake in the mirror.  Avoidance became my middle name and I became really good at pretending.

The sacred journey into menopause is like a wake-up call from all your Ancestors past.  You open your eyes from the disillusioned coma you’ve been living in and begin to take back your life.

Some would say empowered, but I don’t agree with words that elude to the assumption you have been anything other than that throughout life, except for the fact we rarely get a chance to fully embrace who we are because of the scars we carry.

I let go of labels that society placed on women in order to compartmentalise what they fear to understand.  I said goodbye to the should, could, can’t and why’s because I didn’t need to justify my existence anymore.  I let go of people in my life that only served themselves.

I regrouped, re-evaluated and recharged, then I relaxed into the woman I wanted to be.

I was taught to believe there is no beauty in imperfections and any woman who was flawed by societies standards was deemed unlovable and unacceptable.  The irony of this, is my body has evolved through menopause into the image of what I feared most of becoming.

The scars I carry are roadmaps into the treasures of my soul and the road’s I’ve travelled just to bring find my way home.  I don’t have another choice, but to accept all of me.

I am curves, my hips and my saggy tits, but this does not define me. Every part of my body tells a story, even the choices I’ve had to make in order to survive.

For the first in my life I choose me.  Is that selfish or self-centred?  Either way I do not care, because I’m in service to myself, for myself without any expectation that I need to be anything other than the total sum of who I am so others might accept me.

I chose to embrace this humbling journey from the highest vibration of love, even in the shadows of suffering.

The wise Crone is the embodiment of divine, holy sacredness.  Where the sacraments of your life need to be acknowledged and revered.

I live with integrity, a compassionate heart for the woman I was and goddess I have become.  Living with love and all of loves complexities, the light and dark are journeying on this path with me, including the shadow’s that I cast, because they are all me.

I have made a commitment to hold a sacred place, so I can honour the divinity inside myself, even when I struggle to see her.

Accepting that I am my past, my present and my future.

The only regret I have, is that its, taken me so long to embrace the woman I am proud to be.