“My heart aches for that which I have not touched today.
My soul is guiding me, but I cannot hear the words it is saying.
I am clouded in this longing for love within myself, but it is You I crave.
As we meet, I hunger for the Intimacy I have shared.
My chest lay open and my heart revealed, as I give completely to this love.
I taste you, I touch you, and now I have seen you.
I cry in ecstasy as I surrender into you.
Then I realise that, in this moment,
I have been loved by God.”
Moments of Grace – Mel Cooper
To love and to be loved is the one common thread that links us all together. The question I ask is how do you choose to be loved? If you are connected with that special person, can they really love you the way your soul truly wants to be loved? More often than not the answer to these questions for most is they do not know how they would choose to be loved, because they simply want someone to lovingly accept them for who they are.
Given that the relationships we share are the opportunity for us to grow more intimately within, they also provide us with some of our greatest struggles. And the most common struggle is that in the desire for someone to love us unconditionally, we have to unconditionally love ourselves.
Intimacy gives to us the gift of vulnerability. It is an opportunity to open your hearts and invite your partner into a sacred space you can both share. This can bring to the surface all your internal fears around self worth. Then we start to ask ourselves the questions that relate to am I worthy enough, but instead of answering them honestly, we shelve this belief in our body, mind and create a story that will justify how we feel.
It is a natural reaction to unconsciously project these fears onto the intimate relationships we share, but if we understand that our basic primal need is to be loved and to love there are very simply ways to connect with this part of our true selves. In every relationship we share, be it intimate, professional or family, we have physical attributes to love that must be communicated and we emotional attributes that need to be honoured. The physical attributes to any relationship when communicated effectively will help you both stay connected and feel loved by your partner, which naturally opens your heart to being intimate with each other. The emotional attributes need to be honoured in the relationship to sustain communication, validation and listening.
Firstly, you must understand yourself. It is imperative to have a great relationship with yourself before you share that with another. Yes I know awfully cliché, but oh so true. The intimacy you grave in any relationship is your soul trying to communicate with you to look within.
Your partner will reflect this need to connect to your intimate self, by showing you the areas in the relationship that are not meeting your internal needs. When this happens it is time to be still and reflect on the initial question – How, do I choose to be LOVED? Because ultimately how you choose to be loved is a reflection of how you are, currently loving yourself.
There are seven attitudes of love you must first look at in order to align and balance the relationship you have with yourself, and these will help you understand the dynamics you create in any relationship you share.
- The Caring Attitude, which has the physical attributes of willpower, strength and insight which can keep you grounded in the relationship. The emotional attributes to the Caring Attitude evolve around your core beliefs and conditioning, you have a heartfelt concern for others needs, validating their worth and often forgetting your own, putting others needs before yours.
- The Trust Attitude, has the physical attributes of fertility, life, passion and creativity which can supercharge us and help us feel sexy. The emotional attributes to the Trust Attitude enables a person to see the positive qualities of another and opens them to give of themselves with honesty, integrity and sincerity, even when that trust may have been broke.
- The Acceptance Attitude, has the physical attributes of self discovery and breaking free of destructive cycles so you take charge of your life. The emotional attributes to the Acceptance Attitude are those of validation and a willingness to receive, it does not reject but affirms that another person is worthy enough of your love even if you don’t have a great love of self.
- The Love Attitude, has the physical attributes of partnerships and the need to love and be loved, with a balance of giving and receiving. The emotional attributes to the Love Attributes you have a belief of connecting and sharing, a joining of coming together without judgement or evaluation. There are no conditions or expectations on another fulfil within us what we cannot give to ourselves.
- The Respect Attitude, has the physical attributes of courage, independence and resourcefulness. The emotional attributes to the Respect Attitude are based around communication, personal expression, choice and personal freedom. Acknowledging your own rights, wishes, choices and wants and accepting those within another, not out of fear but through worth.
- The Understanding Attitude, The physical attributes are utilising your skills to cultivate your trust in your own intelligence, so you can open the doors to a successful relationship. The emotional attribute to the Understanding Attitude is a knowing through feeling as you do not presume, you gather information through meaning which empowers you emotionally so you can validate what is being communicated, for yourself and your partner.
- The Appreciation Attitude, has the physical attributes of letting go with confidence. And an emotional belief of gratitude for all things and in all things you acknowledge the gift (lesson).
So to summarise the seven attitudes: Always have a caring attitude towards yourself because when you care about you so will your partner. Trust that you are worthy enough for your partner and that they are worthy enough for you. Always accept yourself because then you will be truly accepting of your partner. Love yourself the way you expect your partner to love you. Respect yourself first, and your partner will have no reason to treat you otherwise. Understand that your needs are just as important as your partners and when you can both truly be of service to the relationship you realise everyday becomes one of giving rather than taking. Appreciate yourself for who you are including your partner for even in frustrating times they are simply showing you the love you show them.
After all, in any relationship, you want your partner to see you with open eyes and a loving heart, so when you embrace all of your imperfections, you give your partner the opportunity to accept you unconditionally, and intimately engage in love with you, so you are being appreciated for the person you are, not what you think you should be. That is when you can both share your sacred space together and look deeply into each other’s eyes and say I SEE YOU, ALL OF YOU AND I KNOW YOU SEE ME.